I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
