I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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