omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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