everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my sisters under your porch take her home
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
