The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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