Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
