Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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