i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
