i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
