Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
