You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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