Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
