He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
