You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I have already put on my inside pants.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
