I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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