just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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