if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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