were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
