halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
