just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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