Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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