I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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