i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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