Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
