Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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