He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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