You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
