im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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