I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Can you bring me the toilet please
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
