Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
