tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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