"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
