I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
