He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
