If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
