I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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