had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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