my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize