I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
