someone get that fucking seahorse.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
