I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
