If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
