it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
