if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
