I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
