I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
