I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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