this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You're like the curious george of whores
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
