thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
