Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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