On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Come see our sink grown plant.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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