I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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