I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
