she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
