Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
