make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You're a waste of cheezeits
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
