Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
