I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
