I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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