We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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