The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
