your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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