How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Randomize