I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
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