FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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