I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
