I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
